"My Side" by Amanda Hantover

I lied. I fucked up. He was sad, hurt and mad. I sat there in the hallway waiting to throw up. To vomit or bleed out right now would be ideal. Everyone would know that the lie affected me. The hospital would call him and he would know I didn’t mean it. Maybe even give me a do over. Being at school was the wrong place to do my whole self hating thing but I have never been too modest. And I definitely have a hard time separating appropriate from inappropriate. I lied and he knew it and all I had in my pocket was “sorry”. What am I going to do? Pull it out frayed and frizzled and pin it on his sleeve? Sorry was not going to be enough.

There is a place you keep your feelings, your love, your memories and today my heartache. For me, all these feeling’s sit in my chest. Their front door is my throat. They reside in my lungs and the for sale sign is posted in my eyes. They will leave me no forwarding address and right now they are changing the locks. The note they leave will read;

“Dear Amanda,
You did this to yourself. We are sick of your shit and won’t take it anymore. It’s been what it’s been. So long sweet girl”
Signed,
Feelings of the past and present.

The door opens for class and I sit down. “Today’s common noun is my heart and the proper noun is Adam” Enough said, I have got to get out of here. The professor tells us about our homework. I scribbled something illegible down in my note book and I’m out the door. I want to get home and give Adam my “sorry”. Hopefully he has an axe to break down the door in my throat.

I ride the light rail home. I walk up to the front door. Adam’s not home, he must be at work. I clean, smoke, open a beer and smoke some more. I just want to see him. Make sure its not moving day for his feelings. He walks in and kisses me. That’s a good sign right? He looks miserable. That’s a bad sign. We sit down outside. I reach in my pocket, pull out my “sorry” and hand it to him. He holds it, examining every detail. It’s not forged. He has been trained intensively in the field of fake Amanda apologies. He presses it to his lips and he swallows my “sorry”. At this moment I gasp for air and I feel something. I rub my chest. My feelings weren’t moving! That feeling had been my heart breaking.