"Don't Go Green, Go Purple" by Ian To

Are you sick of people telling you to ride a bike or even walk to places you need to go? Sometimes they will even suggest for you to take the train. Well, screw them! Driving is good. You do not need people to tell you what you should do, it is a free country.

Why would you walk or take your bike when you can drive? When you are driving its faster. You can get to places you need quick and on time. If you woke up and rode your bike or walked to work every day, you would have to wake up at least an extra hour early. With cars, they have air conditioner, and heat. So if it is hot outside you can blast the air conditioner and be nice a cool. If it is cold outside you can blast the heat and in some cars, you can turn on the heater seat. Bikes don’t have heaters seats?

Who cares about the pollution? Everyone is doing it anyways. Even if we all stopped driving, there would still be pollution. Animals don’t have feelings. Therefore, I am sure they wouldn’t mind. Besides, we’re all going to die in 2012 anyways. Might as well pollute as much as you can and have fun with it. Go buy yourself a new turbo charged car. This way you can fly through the streets at over 100mph. This creates a little more excitement in your life.

Are you one of those parents that wake up in the morning to take your kid or kids to school? Wouldn’t you like some way for them to just get their by themselves? Since we all have about another year to live, let’s get our kids go-karts for Christmas and legalize them on the streets. That way, we are not just having all the fun. We are thinking of our children’s too. They would be able to drive to school and back without you having to wake up early in the morning or pick them up after school. Now if you kid lives far from school, there is no worries. We will invent gasoline backpacks for a good affordable price. You simply just pour gasoline into a non-leakable backpack and use a long straw to suck the gasoline out and into your gas tank. You might think this is unsafe for your child, but the backpack is sealed and non-leakable. We will also include a bottle of fresh minty mouth wash, so that your kid’s breath wont smell like gasoline.

For the poor animals that do not get to drive, we will spend our tax moneys on giant semi trucks with jet-fueled engines to take animals on a joy ride. With a small fee, you can put your dog, cat, hamster; it does not matter, in the semi truck for a ride of their life. We will also make sure that we build the semi trucks with small holes, so that the dogs can stick their heads out in wind exceeding over 100mph.
There is no reason why we should go green and ride our bike or walk to places we need to go every day. Somehow, this planet is going to explode or we are just all going to die in 2012. So why not have a little more excitement in your life before we all die? The animals and plants are all coming along with us. They wouldn’t mind us polluting the environment anyways because we are taking them on rocket fueled semi truck joy rides.