"McKenna" by Heather Grove

It was the fall of 2000, I was a senior in high school and couldn’t wait to graduate. I was captain of the cheerleading squad, dating Brandon, the captain of the football team. Life was good and my future was looking bright.

After homecoming, Brandon and I broke up and I found out I was pregnant less than a month later. In that moment, scared to death, abortion was the only option that crossed my mind. The next day, I called Planned Parenthood to schedule the abortion. The day of my appointment came and I had to cancel, I just couldn’t go through with it. I told Brandon and he was furious with my decision, but I knew it was my body, which meant it was my choice. The following day I found the courage to tell my mom and as suspected, she was devastated. I requested that she be the one to tell my dad. He was so upset that he ran away to his hometown in Wyoming for two weeks. He wouldn’t see or speak to me during this time.

When my parents were ready to discuss my circumstances, I told them I wanted to do what was best for the baby and give it up for adoption. They were hurt, but knew in the end it was my decision. They helped me pick out an adoption agency in Castle Rock. I chose an open adoption, which gave me the opportunity to receive updates on my child’s growth. At the agency, I attended weekly counseling sessions to address and cope with my feelings. Although I didn’t allow myself to develop a bond with the baby, I still wanted to do the best thing for it by delivering it and giving him or her to a loving home.

I spent two weeks looking through scrapbooks of potential parents and it came down to two couples, who were completely opposite. One of the couples was young and lived in the east coast, while the other was quite a bit older and lived in Colorado Springs. I chose to meet the older couple first at a restaurant in Castle Rock. Upon walking in, I saw Josanne; she was in a long dress, no makeup, and pale skin. She walked towards me and gave me a hug. After only a few minutes, I knew they were the ones I would choose to adopt my child. I didn’t even need to meet the other couple, as it was obvious how badly Josanne and Michael wanted children. Josanne informed me that she had lost triplets at twelve weeks and I could sense that they would be able to provide for and love my child. We continued to talk over the next few weeks and it became more apparent that she would be an incredible mother.

I went into labor a few days prior to graduation. Immediately upon being admitted to my hospital room, I requested pain medication. This wasn’t due to intense pain, but rather I wanted to be numb both physically and emotionally. To feel physical pain made me feel a connection with a child that would never be mine. With only my mother and hospital staff by my side I gave birth to McKenna. She was three and a half weeks premature. I held her for a few minutes before Josanne and Michael stepped in. I watched Josanne pick up my daughter, as tears fell down her face. In that moment I knew McKenna was no longer mine, I was just the oven.

I stayed in the hospital for the next two days, trying my best to stay detached. I knew I made the right decision for her. The adoptive parents would be able to give her a life I could only dream about. I left the hospital in a wheelchair with McKenna in my arms. Josanne strapped her into a car seat and I kissed her goodbye. I left in the back seat of my moms Honda and McKenna left in the back seat of Josanne and Michael’s van. I graduated from high school the next day.

Two weeks later I met Josanne and Michael at the courthouse and I signed over my parental rights to them. They changed her name to Grace and I wasn’t bothered by that because she was no longer mine to name, she was theirs.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her and wonder what life would be like to see her every day. I know in my heart I made the right decision for Grace because she is with an amazing family, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Grace is nine years old now and I get to see her a few times a year. While it is hard on both of us, she has asked that I be part of her life. I do my best to oblige as I certainly owe that to her.